*[Adjective] Computer Worm [verb] Internet*

Update: Tried to fix formatting.

(In light of Andrew Conry-Murray's dig at vendor press releases, I thought it would be appropriate to dig up my shot at reporters, originally written in January, 2003 ;-)). Enjoy:

In the wee hours of [date], a [adjective] computer worm spread [adverb] throughout the Internet. Dubbed [silly name] because [ridiculous reason that doesn't explain anything about how it works], and also known as [another random name] and [another random name], the worm has infected an estimated [number] systems within [length of time]. Experts are calling this worm the most [adjective] since [date in the past].

The worm exploits a hole in [Microsoft product name] that was first identified [number] months ago by [security company name]. In an attempt to secure the planet, [same company] released detailed information about the vulnerability and how to exploit it. They also mentioned how to fix it, but apparently [noun] listened. Coincidentally, the worm that exploited this hole was also first identified by [same company]. Even more coincidentally, they make a product to protect against [noun].

"Actually, it's not really a [noun], it's a [noun]," said [Pete Lindstrom, or some other person seeking publicity]. "A true [noun] works by [random filler that nobody will read]."

The worm's payload [verb] every system by [verb ending in -ing] the [noun]. Comparatively speaking, this is much worse than [another worm] but not as bad as [another worm]. The computers of [place] were hit the hardest. Current damage is estimated at [dollar figure more than the GNP of two-thirds of the world's nations]. "This worm has the potential to [something or other]," said [Pete Lindstrom, or some other person trying hard to come up with something interesting to say ;-)]. "It just goes to show you that [another something or other]."

Though there is no way to protect against this particular bug, experts recommend trying [longshot one] or [longshot two], neither of which matter, since nobody will do it anyway.

Comments

[Anton Chuvakin]

OMG, that IS funny!

[Douglas]

Well done, O Scrappleface of security!

[Andrew Jaquith]

Did he really supply "pete lindstrom" as the default analyst? Heh.

[Pete]

I supplied my own name in an attempt to poke a little fun at myself.

[Andrew Jaquith]

Secunia would be even funner... their rating scheme is a howler as it is:

Extremely critical
Highly critical
Moderately critical
Less critical
Not critical

I think they need to add "outrageously critical" "whimsically critical" and "critically critical".

"Industry scaremonger^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H advisory firm Secunia released a re-packaged version of someone else's advisory today. According to Secunia, once the Potrzebie virus infects a user's system it randomly phones contacts in the user's address book and attempts to order pizza on the user's behalf. Selected variants of the virus have been reported to cause random socks to vanish in the dryer."

[ROOPA . R]

Highly critical

[Remove Winfixer]

I nearly fell off my pirch laughing at this...

--------
http://www.removewinfixer.com

[selif]

This is great! Right up there with cartoon I saw the other day showing a kid dressed as a computer for halloween... he recited the blue screen of death bit and the guy at the door screams and says "here, take it all!" and slams the door. kid then wonders if he should send some of it to microsoft.

[fussball]

Gute Arbeit hier! Gute Inhalte.